Separation anxiety; object permanence

For a while now we have had a little trouble when Ophelia spends time with anyone other than her Mum and Dad, so you can imagine the fun the poor nursery staff are having!

Since Ophelia was a few weeks old she has regulaly spent time with a variety of family and friends, both with and without us. About once a month my mum usually has Ophelia for a few hours whilst we go to the cinema but just before Christmas Ophelia began crying when with her. At first I thought it was one of the many normal baby issues,  but it has become apparent that it is when she is not with us.  As soon as I worked this out, I was keen to find a way to reduce this happening, I've always wanted to encourage confidence in her so tried praising her when she didn't cry/positive reinforcement etc but it didn't seem to make a difference.   I was keen to encourage people to carry on holding her when she cried because she was getting into a pattern of crying and only stopping if I held her.  I then tried to help increase her trust with people by sitting her near me but get others to interact and play with her-so she knew I was still there but that those people could be trusted.   The biggest improvement I have seen is this weekend, where she has displayed no such displays and instead showed a normal level of comfort.  I attribute most of this improvement to a combinationof things; reassurance using above techniques, playing peekaboo, and attending nursery.  Don't get me wrong, she has cried whilst settling into nursery but she is now hopefully starting to realise that when I leave her, I'm not going away forever!

I had a discussion with both Ophelia's Aunt (nursery staff) and the nursery staff in regard to all this and apparently it's quite normal and is a sign of object permanence (understanding objects etc exist even when they can't be seen).  Interestingly this doesn't usually happen for a few months.  This really put my mind at ease and I think it's a much more positive way to look at it. Fingers crossed she ll grow up tobe a confident, independent lady-i think nursery will help massively with that.

Did you have any similar issues? 

How to cope whilst having a newborn

The last year has been a tricky one in this household, for reasons I won't bore you with but we're pretty sure we musta dropped a mirror at some point! A lot of the stresses we are dealing with are things that we have had no control over, yes those irritating ones that make you really frustrated and stressed.  HELLO car tyres that have had punctures every week since June!! So here are a few of my tips about how to try to prevent yourselves having a nervous breakdown:

Let the bad days be bad.

Like I mentioned up top, sometimes there are going to be shitty days and sometimes there is going to be nothing you can say or do to make those bad days good so just embrace is and try to ride that wave until the next day comes. 

Avoid "if only".  

Of course you will find yourself saying "if only..." on a regular basis, but try to let that thought go because it really does only lead to more stress, or the cycle of negativity as I like to call it! It starts with a mere "if only I hadn't eaten that chocolate bar" and before you know it you're lamenting every chocolate bar you've eaten in your years of being on earth. Don't do it!

Try to get away from the baby.

Okay this is probably quite a subjective one but personally I think "time out" works just as well for adults as it does for children! Understandably when you have other stresses going on, having a new child on top of that can only add to the difficult situation, all it takes is a big nappy change and you can end up feeling like the world is ending. Even if it is only five minutes, take a breather, go for a brisk walk around the block, take yourself to the toilet and take deep breaths.  Do whatever you need to in order to gain some perspective and recover from the relentlessness of whatever you are dealing with!

Have "you" time.

I cannot stress how important it is to maintain that sense of self through the monotony of nappy change s and feeds! In an ideal world meals out just the two of you would be perfect but in this climate not everyone can do that, so any activities pre baby that you used to like to do, PLEASE DO! Films are a really important part of our relationship and we have struggled to get to the cinema or watch films at home all the way through but now Ophelia is sleeping on a more regular routine we are starting to be able to gain that part of "us" back and it makes such a difference!


So there are my main tips for coping with difficult times, let me know of anything you use to help cope!

Tips on leaving your child for the first time

Yesterday Callum and I left our five week old daughter with her Nana and Grandad for ten hours whilst we went to see Book of Mormon which Callum had given to me as my Birthday present in March.  As the day dawned I became both excited and apprehensive about leaving our daughter at such a young age but I needn't have because it went the best it could.  So here are my tips based on what worked for us:

Get the babysitter to have them for a shorter period beforehand:

My mum is used to looking after children so was more than comfortable about looking after Ophelia but I think this is a good idea for both parents and the babysitter as well as getting the baby to feel comfortable and reduce anxiety. 

Prepare your baby's bag and your bag the night before:

I found this one of the most useful things I did, by packing bags the night before it avoided any last minute panic. 

Timing:

If you have to be somewhere by a specific time I recommend getting the babysitters to arrive way in advance.  We had to catch a train at 10:50 so I asked my parents to arrive at 9:30, to allow for recap on how to use the pram, car sear etc as well as any unexpected poo/sick up/feed.  By doing this, Callum and I were at the train station ten minutes early.. anyone that knows us will know how massive this is!!

Feeds:

An obvious one, but if  breastfeeding I recommend expressing daily for the week before (I found the best time to be first thing in the morning) and putting them in the freezer, then taking them out the day before you need them.  I then made sure I had more than enough, just in case! For ten hours, I expressed five bottles and gave them to my Mum and Dad in a cool bag with freezer coolers to keep them cool until they could put them in the fridge.  You also need to get your baby used to taking the bottle before hand and this is usually recommended to be done BEFORE your child is six weeks old otherwise there is a risk they won't be able to adjust from nipple to teat.  I don't know how true this is but we had done so from very early.

Beliefs:

I think it's really important that if you have certain ways of doing things or certain routines etc that you pass them on to the babysitters. I'm sure this one is much more important when they're older but for us, we think it's really important for children to get the same message rather than conflicting.  At the moment Ophelia needs to have short naps in the day otherwise she is a nightmare come nighttime (i.e. doesn't sleep and screams), so we tactfully broached this with my parents, without trying to sound dictatorial by explaining the reasons and benefits of doing so and explaining possible ways of managing this.  Thankfully my parents really took this on board, which was really reassuring as a parent.  One topic that will be difficult is the fact my mum doesn't believe in dummies but Callum and I do, so this one is likely to be difficult when it is implemented and they look after her!


So for us this was a really positive experience that probably couldn't have gone better, which is so reassuring! I am really glad we did decide to spend time away from her as a couple as early as five weeks because it will enable her to develop that independence away from us and relationship with her grandparents as soon as possible.  I obviously wouldn't want to do it too often though, it was pretty hard leaving her little face in her car seat and walking around without her!
 

Parenting highs and lows: 4 weeks in

Highs:

• After hours (or it feels like) of screaming, when you manage to calm her down.
• Her peaceful face.
• Looking down and seeing those beautiful big blue eyes staring up at me, priceless.
• When she first started to become more alert.
• When she started looking at us and would turn her eyes and head to wherever our voices come from.
• Seeing her reach out for her toys. 
• Learning how to pacify her better.
• Days when she doesn't mind being changed or clothed.
• Getting through poo explosions and mass sick ups.
• Breastfeeding after parking up the car, but not panicking even though it made me even later to meet my friend!

Lows:

• The day she threw up in my bra on my way out the door!..
• ..And proceeded to do a poo explosion!
• The interrupted sleep..
• ..or the nights of only getting one hour!
• When she won't stop crying!!!
• Sleep or lack thereof affecting my tolerance levels at times.

So you see, there have been more highs then lows  :)