Monday, 21 October 2013

Hi, I'm Sophie

I have a confession to make; I haven't joined a baby group.  Not only that, but I have no desire to and I haven't even been to the clinic to get the babe weighed. GASP, I hear you cry.

You see, I have no desire whatsoever to meet "new mums", or, more specifically, I have no desire to only meet "friends" through the fact they have children.  I can think of nothing worse than it. That may sound unfriendly and unkind (anyone who knows me knows I am the opposite of these things), but the reason is simple; I do not want to be defined by my child.  Yes I have a child, but I also have a name (Hi, i'm Sophie) and a life, and that is something that I don't want to lose.  Don't get me wrong, if I happen to meet people who have children i'm not going to discount them outright, but i'm also not going to go out of my way to find friends with children.  It turns out a fair amount of my friends already have children, thank you very much.

At the same time. I'm also not desperate to forget I have a child because I love that kid to pieces! I think my feelings stem from my mum, who spent her whole time chasing around after us, driving us to dancing,singing, drama etc lessons every single day of the week and had no identity away from that.  I now see the results of doing this and the impact on her life: whilst she does go for weekends away and go out for meals, sometimes she makes comments suggesting she's lonely and a slight indication it's due to the fact we children have grown up.  I feel strongly about trying to bring my daughter up to be independent but at the same time know that we are both here for her to talk to at any time.  I want her to know that we love her and would do anything for her, but I also want her to see our lives before and around her so she can respect us and understand us as people not just parents.  Of course, on the flip side I am fully aware how important it is for my daughter to socialise and she does get that social interaction already.   

As a new mum, of course, especially at first, your life is completely turned upside down and that little life takes all your time and energy.  But as you all fall into a pattern and routine, those moments of flickering "you" return and you can piece together your psyche so that you are "Mumma" and "Sophie".   

Part of this for me, is returning to my hobbies and work.  My job is so important to me and having that other part of my life-using my brain in a way that isn't to simply work out the best way to burp the baby or keep her entertained.  I miss really solving hard problems and having a tough day using my brain! I've often heard people say that it is actually easier going to work and I can imagine it is, for a start you get to have your lunch in peace and quiet!

Having a child of course does change things, it is inevitable but for me it is about minimizing that change as much as possible.  We moved to where we live because we want to enjoy city life, three months later we got pregnant and recently that has started us questioning about where we want to be.  Moving further out of the city would give us a garden and more space thus being probably the best thing for us as a family, but part of us still wants to enjoy that city life and bring up our family living in a bustling diverse and creative city. 

I have a feeling these are the kind of decisions that we will be faced with as parents throughout the rest of our lives, never having a right or wrong question or answer but ensuring we do it with our heart in the right place and getting through it together whilst maintaining our sense of self. 


  1. I totally get what you are saying. I go to a playgroup and take Daisy swimming because she really enjoys it. But I also wouldn't want to spend all day everyday meeting people I have nothing more in common with other than being a mum. Holding on to your sense of identity is what I'm all about! I have found some women have been quite competitive about the amount of activities they do! But I equally value staying at home.and also allowing your baby to grow with YOUR friends in YOUR own comfortable environment! X

    1. That's really great to hear! Thank you xx